


The Choices We Never Made

by paleenchantress



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-28 06:09:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14443038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paleenchantress/pseuds/paleenchantress
Summary: "What?" he asked, his voice trembling with emotion Eren will never probably understand. The kind of emotion you learn to feel with time, time Eren did not have.But he could say what he felt now, or at least try to."I always wanted to matter, always wanted to leave my mark here.. some kind of constant reminder to numerous generations that would follow. And now I did. I saved us. All of us. But I still feel so empty and worthless" he fixed Levi with his gaze. The captain looked no less confused and frightened than before. Good, that's just how Eren felt about him.A story about happiness and sorrow, confusion and understanding, love and fear -and two men who conquered all of it.





	The Choices We Never Made

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone.  
> This is my first fic for AO3. I've been writing fanfiction for two years now and honestly, I'm not some prodigious writer (not even by a long shot) but I really enjoy writing and I hope I manage to translate that into my work.  
> So, this is just a very short introduction to (I'm hoping) a longer story.  
> Major spoiler alert to anyone who doesn't keep up with manga!!  
> So this is basically how I envision Eren would live after the war with Marley ended. Sort of.  
> I would really love for you to leave me any kind of comment so don't hesitate to do just that.  
> Thank you and enjoy!!  
> Love,  
> Paleenchantress.

'Everything's changed..'

That was the first thing that went through Eren's head when he returned home after years of being absent.  
The walls seemed taller and more confining, stretching high in the air around the streets of Shinganshina. Eren remembered those streets when they were nothing but patches of gravel, empty and deserted, more than five years ago, but they were now swarming with people who cheered the return of their champions; from heart broken women who realized their loved ones never made it home to concerned mothers pulling hair of curious children that thought running around carriages in motion was a good idea, all the way down to a pack of drunks that seemed to be making a gargantuan effort to make it more than five meters from their seats in tavern to greet them- they were not even close, but Eren had to admit, he congratulated their resolve.  
Everyone wanted to see them.  
It took him back all those years ago when he was just a little kid who wanted nothing more than a chance to slay titans and bask in eternal glory of what that brought. He was a stupid little shit back then.  
He took a deep breath, looking up into the sky to avoid feeling like a bird in a cage. The air was so stuffy it made him sick. He was so used to being alone out in the wilderness. All these people made him paranoid and he just wanted to get this stupid charade over with.  
From the corner of his eye he could make out Mikasa's cautious stare fixed on his face and if he were able to see Armin he was sure he'd bear the same expression.  
They knew Eren had gained some psychological problems along the way.  
PTSD, Hange called it. It wasn't a problem at first-it didn't change anything except made him a little bit depressed, caused some minor panic attacks and a nightmare from time to time, but when he accidentally turned into a titan a few weeks ago in midst of a panic attack, everything changed. He didn't cause a lot of damage; ruined their safe house and courtyard, but he didn't injure anyone, thank god. Mikasa climbed onto him and talked calming words into his gigantic, titan ear until he calmed down enough to exit his muscular alter ego.  
But the trust between him and his comrades, that had been lost.  
If he thought about it, Eren supposed he lost their trust and admiration the moment he killed thousands of innocent people on the night of their first attack in Marley. He defied orders in a moment of weakness. It was never their plan to attack so outright. The agreement was for Eren to turn near stage and kidnap the Tybur in hopes of luring out one of his siblings that carried the War Hammer titan, but he was so sick of their pathetic shit and that speech was so full of it that he just couldn't resist the grand entrance, even if it cost so many lives.  
To him, right then and there, it was an eye for an eye. The lives of his people weighed against lives of their people. It seemed unfair to let so many deaths, including the death of his mother, to be left unavenged. They had it coming, he thought. They started first, he tried to rationalize it. But all he kept dreaming of were screams of people he killed and Mikasa's voice: 

'There is no coming back from this, Eren.'

They were all very cautious of him. Even now they were looking for tell tale signs of his oncoming panic attack and sure enough, his breathing was laboured, he was sweating profusely and he noticed the way his leg kept twitching, trying to make a distraction so he wouldn't focus on how fucking trapped he felt.  
Eren raised his gaze and locked eyes with Mikasa. Her expression was comically guilty- eyes like marbles, mouth slightly open, beads of sweat caressing her brow. She looked like a scared fish to Eren.  
She, of course, was not scared. She felt sorry for him. She knew how he felt but there was just no way for her to help him. Not in this situation.  
Upon further inspection, he noticed everyone's attention on himself. He hated when everyone looked at him, but he was quite used to it already. He knew they all worried about civilians- when Eren first turned, he was surrounded by soldiers, men and women who were all quick to react and retreated before anything serious could have happened, but now.. Now there were children around him that just learned to walk not long ago. There was no room for errors, and every doubt was therefore justifiable.  
Sighing, he decided it was high time he did something to stop their ogling and eventually (hopefully) they would just be able to pretend he didn't exist.  
„Commander Hange“ he called to a row of horses ten meters ahead of his carriage. Erwin Smith's successor turned her head sideways to look at Eren, and he could practically feel tension rise around them like a smoke screen.  
Everyone was curious about what he had to say and it showed on their faces. 

'Will he be going on another rampage? ' 

'Should we evacuate? ' 

'Will we have a repeat of that incident in Marley? ' 

„Yes? “ Hanji asked, lifting her eyebrow, when Eren remained silent few moments too long.  
He pushed away his paranoid thoughts and switched his focus onto Hanji once more.  
„If I may“, he started „I would like for you to call a meeting this afternoon, if possible. There are some things I wish to say and I want everyone to hear it.“  
What he was going to say, he didn't know himself. Apologize maybe, though he didn't know for what. None of this was his fault and he refused to admit to anything. After all, he was pushed into this and everything he did was for his people, his comrades, his friends. Hopefully it would come to him when and if there was to be a meeting.  
Hange took a moment to consider his words, most probably wondering how safe it was to have all of her best soldiers in a room with untrustworthy titan shifter. It could turn into a shitstorm, they both knew that, but Eren was interested to see if she would openly share her thoughts with him.  
Before she could say anything though, Eren heard swift hooves coming from his right, and he knew it was Levi even before he spoke. 

„Yeager, you will not be able to attend any kind of meetings today“ he said, his mask of indifference in place, as always "I told you, you will be shoveling horse shit for the rest of your life for that stunt you pulled at Marley and you are starting today". 

Captain was the only person that wasn't and never will be afraid of him, Eren was sure. It had nothing to do with strength and capability-though Levi had both- but with confidence, and Levi knew he was the best there is. And he made sure everyone else knew as well.  
That was why he kept his chin high, his mercury-coloured eyes half-hidden behind his lids while he lazily kept up with two brown stallions that lugged Eren's carriage. There was no fear, no trepidation and no weariness in his gait and it helped in defusing the tension that has accumulated in the past few minutes. 

Eren looked over to Hange but she was already looking ahead, undoubtedly grateful for distraction.  
Fine. They can piss in their pants every time he made a sudden move, he didn't care. He just wanted to make sure everyone knew he was not a threat. 

„Whatever you say“ he replied to his captain, running fingers through his long, black hair.  
Levi picked up pace and his horse neighed as if to say goodbye instead of his impolite master, but the captain turned around one more time „And lose the hair, it looks disgusting.“ 

For the first time in years, Eren felt his lips twitch in a smile. 

Only a little.


End file.
